Archive for February, 2009

chapter 1

Posted in not so short stories | 1 Comment »

The sun hit her hair. Not in the light way of beauty and sunrises. It hit in the harsh blinding way. It hit so everyone notices, caught in the curls, living in the bounce, restricted in movement. He watched her from afar, never had the courage for more than distant admiration. He thought of himself as a lion at times. She must have been Dorthy. In movies, though, in his dreams, rather, they ended up together. He was the strong silent type, she the quirky love interest. He never knew her name, really. Someone once called her Jenn or Jane or something of the sort. But she was really Dorthy, she just didn’t know it. Yet.

"Can I get you more coffee, sir," the blond asked.

He mumbled a yes. His breakfast was cleared, his paper read, his email checked.

"I have a Mac," the blond again.

"I’m sorry?"

"I have a Mac. I’ll never go use a PC again," she explained. "Once you go Mac, you never go back. They say…" She babbled on and on, attempting to either rid him of her table or entertain him into a decent tip. He simply nodded and let her talk. He never took his eyes off Dorthy, though.

"She has a boyfriend."

"I’m sorry?"

"Jennifer. She has a boyfriend. They’ve been together longer than I can remember. They met in high school," the blond said, peeking his interest. "He’s a big guy, they biker type. His name is Chuck. Never mess with a Chuck."

"Like Chuck Norris," finally leaning into the conversation.

"Yes! Like Chuck Norris," she threw in. "You know under Chuck Norris’ beard, he has another fist. Ha ha. He can divide by zero too. Ha ha…." the waitress continued with her jokes, glad the tip may be greater now.

"Check?"

"Oh! Of course. Here you go, sir," with a wide toothy grin. Then she was gone.

He laid a twenty on the table and began to pack his things. Jennifer. Not Dorthy. Jennifer. Lap top, papers, power cord, pen, coffee mug. Ha ha. Not the coffee mug. Jennifer. Keys, phone, wallet, jacket. Jennifer. What a funny name. Dorthy seems to fit her more. He stood and put on his jacket, never moving his eyes from her hair, her sunlight. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked towards the door.

Wild idea. His feet changed course. He couldn’t do this. Mind over matter. Walk towards the door, not the counter. The waitress’ words flung through his mind over and over again. Never mess with a Chuck. What if he really had a third fist under his beard? Towards the door. Towards the door!

"Can I help you sir," Dorthy asked.

"I’m sorry?"

"Can I help you?"

"I, uh, see, I’m a lion," he fumbled. "I, um, I roar. Um, like a lion."

"Excuse me?"

"I’m sorry. I, um, I work," Why wouldn’t his tongue work properly?

"Yes sir. That’s what I’m trying to do. If there’s nothing else, Lion, please let me get back to it."

"Oh! Yes. Well, I’m going, um, now, um, work. Lunch?"

"Yes sir. We have a wide lunch selection. I believe I have things to do now, Lion. Have a nice day and we’ll see you next time." She was gone.

______

The rest of his day went by in a blur. There was a meeting about the budget and some customer complaints he needed to deal with. The day wasn’t completely lost, though. There were a few firings he needed to take care of before lunch. Then he would get to see her again. This time, he wouldn’t act a fool. He wouldn’t talk to her at all. Things are better from afar. Up close, she may vanish. Dorthy may not even be real. He couldn’t risk closeness. Not a chance.

The sun beat down on his face as he biked to the restaurant. It was still harsh, almost burned his cheeks. When he walked in, Dorthy gave him a sideways glance. She had never noticed him before. He was tall and broad, in obvious good physical condition. His tawny hair fell in his face when he removed his helmet. He swiftly ran his fingers over his head, setting everything back in its place. His legs where chiseled, apparently from the bike riding. His arms were tan and flexed. Lion seemed to be a very attractive man that Jenny had somehow missed.

"He stares at you every day," Bonnie said. "Couldn’t keep his eyes off you this morning. Leaves a good tip. Gave me twenty bucks for a eight dollar tab this morning."

"Can I steal a table from you, Bon? Just this once?"

"You know Chuck should be here soon," the thick blond warned. "He knows your tables and he won’t like that."

"I’ll blame you. You’re too lazy to take any more tables."

Bonnie’s eyes flashed a heavy warning. Chuck would not like this one bit.

"Ok. He’s all yours Bon," Jenny gave in. It was better this way. He was cute in his awkward way this morning, and temptation like that is better left alone. Why throw gas on an already burning fire? Just then, a loud roar rumbled, shaking the windows. Chuck and his gang had arrived.

Chuck was tall and well built. In his youth, a very attractive young man. Time and weather had beaten down his hair from a thick healthy black to a thin salt and pepper widow’s peak. His skin had grayed and leathered over time. He refused to give up his bike and all that entailed, the open road his best friend. They had been together almost 10 years. He would never settle down, though. Jenny would wait.

The bell over the door rang loudly as the entire place got quiet. People moved from Jenny’s tables, leaving whatever cash they could find. No one crossed Chuck. Jenny and the bus boy swiftly cleared the tables and pulled them together. Bonnie filled eight glasses with Bud Light from tap. In just a few short moments, the gang was resting easy, as if at home, filling all of Jenny’s tables.

Jenny could feel his eyes. The lion never took them off her. For 45 minutes she waited on the gang, catering their every need, all the while aware that lion was now aware that she was clearly taken. She should be glad. He would be off her trail now, couldn’t take on Chuck. She couldn’t help but feel a twinge of regret though. Sticking by a man like Chuck means loosing out on the good men like Lion. Wonder what his real name is. Something strong like Anthony, she imagined. Lion Anthony.

"Hon, what are you doing," Chuck’s voice sharpened. Beer was sloshing everywhere. She was normally a good balance with trays. Almost never wasting an ounce of alcohol.

"Sorry Babe. I’ve been feeling a little bit off today," she lied. "I think I’m coming down with something."

"Well after you finish with us, you should ask for the rest of the day off."

A sigh of relief swam over her when she heard the bell and saw him leave. Back on his bike, back to his life.

"I’ll be fine. How are we gonna get that new bike you want if I take off work?"

Chuck laughed from the insides out, his whole face smiling.

"Good point, Suga." She placed the beers on the table and felt the familar booty slap as she walked away.

Take up Your Cross

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You’ve asked me to take up my cross
and to count all that I have as a loss
to bare no regret and never to forget
the Love you have for me

I wake up again and bend down to pick up my cross
I can see my self in the glory
I lift it to my shoulders and under the feathery weight
I remember

You asked me to take up my cross
And to count all that I have as a loss
To bare to regret and never to forget
the Love you have for me

It’s about noon and time for lunch
And about now my back begins to hunch
So I balance my cross on my legs
and eat in leisure
polishing every ornamented jewel with delight
and again I remember

You asked me to take up my cross
And to count all that I have as a loss
To bare no regret and to never forget
the Love you have for me

I decide to walk home today and take a look around
You want to speak to me, for my heart to hear the sounds
So I take my cross upon me
And walk right by Your side
And I remember

You asked me to take up my cross
And to count all that I have as a loss
To bare no regret and to never forget
the Love you have for me

You’ve left me now with what I feel
A new strength to hold my cross and to count all as a loss
But a stranger approaches and asks for some time
I briskly walk by
Explaining I have a cross to bare!
And again I remember!

You asked me to take up my cross
And to count all that I have as a loss
To bare no regret and to never forget
the Love you have for me

I take a step or two, then stop and realize
Whatever I do today will be seen in His eyes
So I throw my cross aside and listen to it shatter
As I embrace the man in loving chatter
And so I finally remember

My Fallen State of Mind

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My fallen state of mind
And my will of a different kind
Have given me to self
And a way that I won’t help
My fallen state of life
Must be given to the light
And this hate I have for myself
Must be taken by His death
And the love I have for me
I have taken so selfishly
Must be given to the One
And all my guilt undone
The shame that stalks my life
And its hate that brings me strife
Must be soothed by His hand
And my wary soul will stand
But in this changing time
I must bring a humble seed
For I am not saved by any deed
The wretched has passed away
As The Light bring about the day
The state of mind must be relieved
For my God alone is God indeed

contradictions

Posted in poetry | 2 Comments »

i am a contradiction
i am a hopeless romantic
i am a cold hearted bitch
i am detached
like a brick
lost from his wall
i am in love
like a child
with her teddy

i am a contradiction
i am black
i am white
i am yes
i am no
i am completely hopelessly
enveloped and engulfed
in his scent
in his breath
in his very being
and i loath him

i am a contradiction
i am water
in a lake still and calm
in the ocean frothy and cool
in niagra gushing and white
in the dead sea heavy and saturated

i am a contradiction
i love love
i hate love pains
i want him forever
for all eternity
but i get bored and lonely
sometimes
in his arms
i dream of the quiet life
i daydream of running
sea to shining sea

i am the contradiction

she evades me

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sleep evades us
she runs over the hill
taunting and laughing
as if in a game of hide and seek
she giggles the smile of a small child
yet check mates with the skill of an elder
she sings
a sing song
of la la and na na
and boo boo
thinking shell never be caught
but all children must sleep
all children must nap
and soon we will catch her
tortoise passes the hare
welcome sleep
welcome

daily sort of promises

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daily sort of promises
nothing that actually matters
secrets whispered to the world
pinkies twisted in innocent hope
that this moment isnt fleeting
they said it both
said it time and again
til he put a ring on someone else’s hand
she falls
crushed
morphed with the earth
finally hearing
her secrets rebirthed
promises broken
promises failed
promises spit on
truth and pain and love
unveiled
she hears her mothers words
be friends first
the daily sort of promise
it falls at the end of each day
but perhaps out there somewhere
as likely as a rainbow
the forever sort of promise lay
she waits

undercurrents

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she knows where i hide
she knows my lullaby
she knows goodbyes
are sometimes real goodbyes
she finds me there
sulking
wishing away
dreaming today
of tomorrow
so many things
counter flow
undercurrents swish me away
lovingly and gently
taking my dreams
in the other way

damned pen

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why when i write
i cant stop the pen
she steals the paper
sharing my secrets
letting everybody
and their mother in
i could try to hide
shell find a way out
softly on paper
or way out loud
ill show them all
aly relies on no one
so why do i long for him
miss independent
needs someone
i wont make it alone
so thank you b liss and ma
i know youll always
be here for me
ill make it with you three
side by side
ill find the light
although with the recession
i hear its burnt out
dammed pen
shared my secrets again

rain rain

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still im not done
so much locked inside
she haunts me day and night
constantly pushing her way out
somebody hear me she shouts
please someone give a damn
i know they do
heart and mind collide
people care
people pray
people ask questions
faking compassion
faking inspiration
faking all that i want
and all that i dream
and all that i wish
faking all that i stand for
people love
people fake
so many things i want to say
but who will hear me
who will not say
it will all be ok
who will feel what i feel
who will bear my pain
i dont want it to be ok
i want it to be hard
i want it to be rough
i only want the loneliness to go away
sometimes i dream
of a slow painful death
sometimes i wish
for sweet release
it makes it worth it
pain for gain
life is a wonderful thing they say
life is a beautiful dream if i may
but sometimes i want
a slow painful death
rain rain
here to stay
makes the rainbow
a glorious thing
all the clouds
they want to play
all the pain
it wants to stay
all the thunder
it wants to say
sunshine go the hell away
so bring it hard
and make it long
let me cry so tomorrow
i can shout
from rooftops into skies
i rain has finally gone away today

overflowing love

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this is for my sis in law and my brother. congrats, guys!!

a baby
two hearts
combined
overflown into another
same love, new veins

a child
two hearts combined
overflown and growing
into a new mind
same love, new thought

a youth
two hearts combined
overflown and growing
searching
for a new self
same love, new person

an adult
two hearts combined
overflown and growing
searching and matured
finding solace and comfort
in the love that has been there
from the beginning
same love, new life

new life from same love
combines
to overflow
circle of life
hakuna matata

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